Sibling Torture Goes Sci-Fi

Just overheard my 6-year-old daughter convincing her baby sister that I’m actually an android who hides all the wires under my hair. It was truly inspiring. “Bedtime” will henceforth be referred to as “System Update Time.” Every once in a while, I may have to pause, mid-sentence, to stare into space. To keep them on […]

Invisible Friends to the Rescue

I was getting the kids into the car the other day, after hanging out a local park, when I discovered a back seatbelt was jammed. It absolutely wouldn’t budge. I thought about how we’re technically allowed to put a kid in the front seat when the back is full before kicking myself again for not […]

My Daughter Misgenders the Cat

My four-year-old daughter Bridget’s favorite toy ever is “Catfish,” a stuffed-animal Siamese cat with a fish drawing on its collar. And though she loves him, he’s clearly her fall guy. Messy room, dirty bed, broken toys… she’s been insisting Catfish orchestrated all these petty toddler crimes and more. He’s been so naughty, in fact, we […]

Sibling Rivalry: Bridget, the Dark Horse

I’m sure I speak for many parents when I say my kids love each other, but spend half their time winding each other up. Sometimes it’s about territorial or toy disputes, while others are just for fun… because these kids don’t have jobs. They have way too much time on their hands. As Brontë once […]

Monsters, Tacos, and Dragon Bones

There’s a fine line between fantasy and reality for children. My parents like to recount a story about when I was five and pretending to pass out imaginary coins… my father walked over to playfully spin me around in a circle and I panicked as he lifted me up, squeezing my fists so the “coins” […]

My Daughter Builds A Candy Pipeline Into Our Backyard

My six-year-old daughter Brontë pretty much never stops talking. “Using her words” has never been one of her stumbling blocks. It’s simultaneously adorable and exhausting. If I’m scrambling to get lunch ready, she’s demanding I go check out the portal she made in the living room. It takes you to a castle, she tells me, […]

What Kind Of Parent Are You?

Before I had kids, I knew exactly what kind of parent I would be. I’d be the kind who: Makes their kid wonderful meals from scratch and teaches them to love eating healthy sophisticated foods, and Reasonably explains why screaming in public is a bad idea and therefore has super well-behaved kids in public. And […]

Judgey Cakes and Baby Angst

Upon finding out that Halloween is soon and she could eat all the chocolate she wants, my Viking baby Bridget made this face: Because she loves spooky stuff (Jack Skellington is her personal hero) and really, really likes chocolate. This was welcome news, because Bridget has been on a real tear lately. Having lots of […]

My Childrens’ Dark Side Emerges

I was always a strange child. When I was seven, I used to cover my drawings with another piece of paper, shaded in black, so you’d have to hold it up to the light to see the images behind it. One was of a beautiful dead woman at the bottom of the sea, draped in […]

Viking Role Reversals

So, Bridget the Viking has been rapidly civilizing ever since her big sister Brontë started Kindergarten a few weeks ago. Gone are the sudden, inexplicable tantrums that would alarm neighbors living two blocks away. She doesn’t throw Legos at cats anymore, or refuse to eat anything while simultaneously screaming about how hungry she is. She’s […]